One reason for the few updates is just that there aren't any really, on the adoption front...which was the whole purpose for the blog. So...not much to write, right?! For those of you who aren't in our every day lives, though, I figure I should keep everyone better informed. There are updates...just not good ones.
The second reason for the few updates is ALL I've thought about since January is our pregnancy. Because we didn't announce it until early March (or somewhere around there), I just didn't have much else to write on here!
Let's see...let's back up together and take a walk down the last few months...since I know so many of you are interested.
Warning - If you're already having a bad day, you might not want to read the following paragraphs since it's lots of complaining! :) ...and no pics...I tend to do that a lot.
These last few months, we haven't been as "in love" with our agency as we once were. In January I received a voicemail from someone at the office telling me she had a few questions about our paperwork, as she was finishing up our Home Study. This irritated me IMMENSELY for several reasons, the biggest being that we were told our Home Study would be COMPLETE back in NOVEMBER. This was two months later...we had been living under the bliss that everything was done and finished...to our surprise, it would be another TWO MONTHS before the
-whew- I need to do a few breathing exercises before moving on...
Ok, better now. :)
On to the next gripe...don't say I didn't warn you!!
Our first thought when we saw those two pink lines on that pregnancy test was, "what will this do to our adoption?" Followed by, "well...nothing...it just means two babies!"
We waited to tell our agency until I was 12 weeks along...which just happened to be the week after our Home Study was miraculously completed. Daniel called our social worker just to let her know we were pregnant so that she could be informed. We also had a nagging thought in the back of our mind that she might tell us we have to wait on the adoption now. However, we quickly threw that thought out because it would just be crazy. We weren't adopting because we couldn't conceive...we were adopting because God clearly spoke it into our hearts and gave us no other option but to obey!
So, the phone call went something like this (paraphrased loosely and A.S. stands for Adoption Specialist):
Daniel: Hi, we're pregnant!
A.S.: Congratulations! When this happens, we ask that the adoptive couple wait until the birth of the biological child before deciding to continue with the adoption.
Daniel: Wait, what?
A.S.: Well, in our experience an adoption taking place while an adoptive couple is pregnant is just doing things out of the "natural order." (Those were her words) We have found that a pregnant mother doesn't need the added stress of caring for an infant while being pregnant at the same time. So take some time after the birth of your biological child and give us a call when you're ready to continue. (Implying that we most likely won't want to continue after we've had a child.)
So Daniel hung up the phone livid. I, on the other hand, was struggling with so many different emotions that I just didn't know what to think. (More on that in a later post...maybe) We both could understand that it would be easier to wait. I was almost relieved that we wouldn't have to think about all the unknowns until we were settled with our biological baby. God quickly began to work in my heart, however. Most people tried to console us with, "well, that's probably better so you can just focus on the pregnancy right now." Some people made it a point to tell us that the best thing would be to hold off on the adoption. Maybe they have a direct line with God or something...not quite sure. My mom was the only person who responded with downright anger with the agency.
As Daniel and I thought , talked, and prayed about the whole thing, we just couldn't let things go...was this God telling us to wait, or just the agency stepping in the way of God? God had led every step of this journey. He led us to start the process when we did. He allowed all the setbacks with the Home Study, making the process even longer. He allowed this pregnancy. Why would an agency make us wait? We can understand the added stresses. We understand it could be overwhelming. We understand it will be jumping from zero to two babies of different ages. We understand it will be very, very hard. ...but does God call us to easy? Does God promise no hardships?
This has brought us to many questions about our agency.
SO MANY people misunderstand our motives in adopting. We don't blame them. Our culture teaches that adoption is second best. It's for couples who "can't have a baby." People have said to us that they're praying we get pregnant so we don't have to adopt. These people, as most, are horribly confused and misled about what adoption should be. Our society has made it a negative. God says it's a positive.
Why would an agency make us hold off on an adoption just because we're pregnant? We can't help but think they're giving in to society's way of thinking with adoption. It's for couples who can't conceive. We've conceived, so now we have to wait and see if we still want to adopt after we have our baby?? What does that mean? Why would we not want to pursue our adoption? The only reason would be if we were adopting with the wrong motives...just to get a baby. But those weren't our motives...we were called to adopt long before this baby was conceived. Why would that change what God has called us to do? Why can't it be a double blessing?
Some of you might be thinking, calm down...they didn't say you can't adopt...just wait. But why? Why wait? Why drag out the process even longer? We could adopt tomorrow and also birth a baby in six months, thus having two babies six months apart. But, if we wait, it will be the same thing...just a different order...birth a baby, then adopt. What's the difference? Why does the order of babies make such a difference, other than the fact it gives us a chance to change our mind about the adoption. Proving the point that the agency is all about a couple just getting a baby. Or they're thinking that after the birth of our child, there's a good chance we won't want to adopt. Nevermind God leading you through this whole process, pregnancy or no pregnancy.
So...we emailed our Adoption Specialist this weekend sharing our concerns and expressing that we'd like to continue with our adoption process now, rather than later. We hope to hear from her this week. We're not sure what she'll say. If she says no, then we have one other option to look into before we'll know God has closed the door. If God is saying to wait, then we are happy to wait...we just want to be sure it's God, and not just an agency.
All that being said, I'll keep you updated!
On the pregnancy front, things are going well. We go to the doc April 9th for an ultrasound!
Megan
Megan, every time I read this blog I feel so proud of you (not that I'm responsible for your upbringing at all, just proud to know you!).
ReplyDeleteIf anyone is cut out to be a mommy, it's you and people do two infants all the time! It's hard but it gets done.
And if I can just add... Just because it looks like a door is closed, doesn't mean that isn't what you are supposed to be doing. Just ask Esther. ;)
a couple points here... maybe i'm playing devil's advocate and just want to clarify that i'm really not on anyone's side, just trying to see the situation myself and maybe offer a new viewpoint.
ReplyDeletefirstly, not to side with the agency, but they may have a 'waiting' policy in place due to a history of people who have changed their minds once getting pregnant. i'm sure it does happen. you two are coming into adopting with all the right motives, and not everyone does. they are probably more used to the wrong ones, unfortunately.
secondly, i would worry, if you go forward with doing both at the same time, that you won't be able to experience the full joy of either (the pregnancy or the adoption process). if you think of the adoption process AS a pregnancy, wouldn't you rather experience it on its own, and not have it competing with another pregnancy?? on the other hand of this, of course people have twins, etc all the time so obviously its doable and i'm sure you and daniel are up to the task c: i just wonder whether you would be splitting focus too much by doing both at once. you should be able to experience each event as its own beautiful thing without each event/'pregnancy' competing for your focus.
that said, there should be no reason you CAN'T do it all. you mentioned god doesn't say it will be easy, and that is so true. either way, you two are blessed, and will be fabulous parents whatever path god takes you on. and remember, just cause an agency says to wait, doesn't mean they are saying NO or that GOD is saying no. sometimes, wait just means wait c:
love ya!
angie
Your aunt Sara knows her stuff, I liked her comment. I think there is no doubt that you could take on two infants if that's Gods plan, and angie has some valid points. Perhaps the agency's main point of waiting is to allow another couple a chance to become parents while you are doing the same? Just a thought, that maybe someone elses miracle is going to happen too. I hope you get answers soon and I'm impressed by your strength and endurance through this, you're already a fiesty momma fighting for your babes-awesome!
ReplyDeleteWhen I first heard what you an Daniel were up to, I thought to myself "This is so cool" What a wonderful selfless act of obiedence. Being the black sheep of the family I don't hear from folks all that much.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that having spent 8 years searching for missing children (my own), I feel qualified in understanding the turmoil that this process is putting you through. I get the stress of knowing how you have worked so hard to put together all the necessary paperwork only to have some dweb on the other side of the fence lose the paperwork. Every time you think the ball is rolling...another set back. Just know this and its from my heart of hearts...If God can find a lost dead soul like me and straighten my path into something I never imagined possible, then imagine what He is doing for you. Oh the wonders of His glory! I am betting that your getting twins from different mothers. That is truely awesome. Mary and I love you guys and just hang in there cause He ain't through with you yet!
Uncle Larry
Sorry I am so behind reading your blog! lol - we're a great pair - you in writing them to start with and me with reading them!
ReplyDeleteSo, I am just reading this and wanted to respond. I am so glad you wrote the e-mail, because as I was reading your post, I was thinking "maybe God can use this situation to change the policy or way of thinking of the agency." I do understand that it is probably because of history at the agency with other couples that they have that policy. However, they have been in business for a while now, and I think they should interview the pregnant couple and learn their heart, then make a decision. That being said, as we talked about previously, YOUR baby (the one you are adopting not the one you are birthing!) may not be conceived yet - God has a child already picked out for you and Daniel - try to keep reminding yourself of that when you get frustrated. lol easy for me to say I know. But, I'm waiting too, remember - and the same is true for my kids as they begin their journey toward adoption!
Love you both!