In Response...

I got a few comments on my blog! Yay! That means somebody reads when I ramble!! We've gotten a lot of comments, thoughts, opinions, encouragements, discouragements about our pregnancy/adoption so I thought I'd try to address them! (I also tried to be nice and post pics at the end of all your reading, but our computer crashed a while back and we lost the pics I wanted to post.)

When we were told by our agency that we needed to put our adoption on "hold," every single person (minus a very TINY few) responded with something along the lines of, "well that's probably best because taking on both would be overwhelming!" 

Now, I might get a little personal here but I promise I'm not trying to be offensive. Please don't take it as such. This is all an attempt to share my heart completely...

I am learning that part of what we (my hubby and me) are going through is for us to share...so others can see God. If I don't share what God is doing in my life, how else will others see God at work? How else will others see that God is ALIVE AND REAL? Being a christian is not just a walk down the aisle, getting baptized, going to church, or simply calling yourself "a christian." Being a christian is SURRENDERING YOUR LIFE to God...allowing Him to have complete control. My life is no longer my own. So...if that is true, then I must be allowing God to change me, right? ...and if that's true, then I must share what He is doing so that others can be encouraged.

All that being said, get ready to be encouraged! ...or at least catch a glimpse of God's work in our lives. I say that absolutely humbly...I have been BLOWN AWAY by God and who He is over these last two years. I have to be honest and say that I didn't have a clue of who God really was until we started this adoption process. Don't get me wrong, I loved God...my life was dedicated to Him. But I hadn't truly allowed Him to do something in my life that only HE could do...something that was miraculous...allowing me to catch a glimpse of the God in the Bible...the God who moves mountains and raises dead to life. I am getting goosebumps (or chillbumps as they're called in the south...ha!) just thinking about it.

In order to share what God has done, I have to give you a little history. Back in the days when Daniel and I used to plan our lives, hoping that God would bless them...we used to say we would "start trying" for a family around the 3-4 year mark of our marriage. So, this time came around the fall of 2010. Around this same time Daniel found out about the conference Adopted for Life, which I've already written some about. Before we were married, Daniel and I knew we were going to adopt. It's just something we knew we would do one day...that's about as far as our "knowing" went, however. We attended the conference and our lives were forever changed. God gave us a passion for adoption unlike anything we had ever known. Go back and read other entries if you haven't...otherwise this entry will get way too long! We left that conference knowing that God was telling us to adopt...not one day, or when it's convenient...NOW. We had no idea how it would all come together because here we were trying to start a family on our own as well. Well, needless to say we didn't care...we knew God was saying do it now, so we did. We prayed for a while about what agency to use and what kind of adoption to do. That summer we started the process. In the meantime, no pregnancy.


Now, if you know me at all, you know my ONE desire in life...well, other than serving God...was to be a mother. I LOVE babies...kids too...but mostly babies. When people say the newborn phase was the hardest, I just can't even imagine that...I'm pretty certain it will be my favorite stage. Anyway, so at this point we were in the process of adoption, while trying to conceive. As each month passed, I did begin to wonder if it would ever happen. I gave it to God every month, asking for His will to be done. Around a year of "trying" (a couple months after starting the adoption process), I was really struggling and I began to think, "if I really am giving God control, then why is each month so hard?" I will never forget this particular week of our journey...I was physically ill because I knew, I KNEW that God was asking me to give Him my desire for children. ALL of it. Not just the adoption...not just the pregnancy...but every single aspect of being a mother. If I truly loved God the way I said I did...if I had truly given Him my life and wanted Him to be LORD of my life, then I had to want Him more than I wanted children. More than I wanted to be pregnant. If serving Him meant I would never be a mother, then yes...I wanted that. As much as it ripped my heart out to say it...yes...I want Jesus more than I want to be a mother. Because ultimately if I'm not living the life God created me to live, then I'm not living the best possible life I could have. If I choose kids over Jesus, then how much do I really love Jesus? So...with a lot of counseling from Daniel, and God, obviously doing a TON of work in my heart...I gave it to Jesus.

And I was more at peace and filled with joy than I had ever been. That sentence still makes me smile.

There was absolutely no sadness. No "why me?" No, "ok, I guess this starts the road of sacrifice for Jesus." None of that. Just JOY. It was like my heart was finally whole. I was perfectly at peace and content with whatever God brought my way...and at the time, I believed that meant I would never be pregnant. ...and there was joy! From that time on, we stopped trying to conceive and gave God the reigns. I rarely even thought about a pregnancy after that time. I still get emotional thinking about it because God acted so powerfully in my life. In one of the biggest ways of my life, God moved in my life personally...because He made me put myself aside...and want Jesus more. I believe there have been times in my life previous to this that God wanted to move but I wouldn't be obedient. He opened my eyes to the fact that when we're obedient...He always does what He says He's going to do.

So we continued with the adoption allowing God to be in complete control. This has been all about Him from day one...even on the day we found out we're pregnant.

Back to the beginning of this entry..."well that's (waiting to adopt) probably best because taking on both would be overwhelming!"
Waiting to adopt could definitely be what God wants us to do. However, this journey is not about us, it's about Him. Just because something pops up that we never expected (pregnancy) does not mean in any way that we don't have to be obedient to God's original plan for us. We weren't adopting because we couldn't get pregnant. When we started the adoption process, we had no idea that we would also have quite a pregnancy journey. So, we must look into every avenue...as each door closes or opens, then we will know what we are supposed to do. If sending a simple email asking if we can continue the process allows us to continue...well, then obviously we weren't supposed to wait! I can't imagine looking back and wondering, "well what if we looked into this or that"...but never did. You know?

A lot of people have said that each process would be so much better if it can be enjoyed on its own. If we are pregnant while we're adopting one might take over or lessen the other. My opinion to that is, neither one of these, pregnancy nor adoption, were for the purpose of just enjoying. Now, doing both at the same time will most definitely be different. But I'm not quite sure why going through both at the same time will ruin or lessen the other. Why can't I enjoy a pregnancy while also enjoying an adoption? That being said, who knows...maybe it will lessen the experience of one or both, BUT. ...and this is a big 'but,' here. Does that mean tell God, no?

Up until this point, this process has been all about Him. Not me. Not Daniel. So now, just because we're thrown an unexpected (by God Himself)...does that mean we take the reigns back just because going through both processes seems so overwhelming? If that's what God wants, then yes...I'm all for it. Don't get me wrong...going through both processes definitely seems like a lot. I was HUGELY overwhelmed when we first found out. BUT. At this point, I could care less about what seems overwhelming...giving God my desire for children was a heck of a lot more overwhelming and not only did that turn out ok, it completely changed me for the better!!  This is all about God's leading. He has proven Himself over and over and over about how trustworthy He is. No matter what...He is always looking out for our good...no, not our "worldly" good (wealth, comforts, etc.)...but our spiritual well-being. If He wants us to adopt and be pregnant at the same time, then that is His perfect will for my life and I will not say no to it. If He wants us to wait, then I am happy to wait. I have learned that most of the time, God isn't leading me down the easy or comfortable road. Most of the time, it's the road that I take one look at and want to turn the other way! Ha! However...when I am obedient to take that road, I am a different person on the other side...for the better. As Christians, we are called to be Christ-like. In fact, as we walk through life...that is what God wants to do in our lives...make us more like Christ. If I always choose the easy, non-demanding, whatever makes me happy road...then there's a good chance I'm not allowing God to stretch me and mold me into becoming like Christ. In fact, if that's the case, then there's a good chance I'm telling God I don't want Him to work in my life...I'd rather be comfortable...which would make me wonder, do I love Jesus as I claim to?

So...adoption now, or adoption later...we are all about desperately seeking God...because as I hope you've read and understood...His plan is far greater than our own.

Megan